When your dreams don't come true

Every time that this subject has crossed my mind in the last few weeks I’ve had an overwhelming urge to write about it. I have been suppressing this urge because I am not a very open person when it comes to my personal trials. I would rather be the person that has a shoulder for someone to cry on than the person needing a shoulder to cry on.

Dominic and I decided last year that it was time to start trying for another baby. Ashlyn and Kamden were three years apart and I think that is a great space between them. We started trying last fall and didn’t think that we would have any troubles. We weren’t trying when we got pregnant with Ashlyn and Kamden I got pregnant with him the first month we started to try. So I was naive to think that it would happen the same way.  As a few months past and I still wasn’t pregnant we were feeling discouraged but my Dr. kept assuring me that it can take up to 6 to 9 months for a normal healthy person to conceive. After nine months of trying, I found out I was pregnant a few days before my birthday and we were soo excited, FINALLY! We could hardly contain ourselves and I had to restrain Dominic from telling the kids that night.  We told a few friends and were debating when to tell our kids. Ashlyn has been looking forward to having a new baby for a long time. We ended up telling the kids, I had rationalized my decision since we had no history of miscarriages. I had my first Dr. appt when I was six weeks pregnant. I got to see the heart beat and everything looked good. The heart beat was strong. It is so amazing to me that you can see the baby so early.  I made my next appointment for two weeks later since I had spotted a little the day before my appointment. I didn’t’ really worry about it because a little spotting is normal in early pregnancy.  My appointment was on Tuesday, buy Thursday at work I was still spotting and had started cramping. I called the Dr. Office and told them my concerns and they instructed me to wait the weekend out and call first thing on Monday morning if I was still spotting. On Friday I had an eight hour nursing orientation to go to. It was horrible; I was in so much pain all day. I knew what was probably happening. The rest of the weekend was about the same. Saturday I spent most of the day on the couch relaxing, on Sunday I managed to get up and go to church but I was still in pain and spotting.

Monday morning came and I watched the clock for when my Dr. Office opened. I called them the second they opened and they got me in right away. I got there and the nurse practitioner came in and the first thing she said was “oh, I’m not comfortable with how much your bleeding.” That really was not reassuring. Then I had my ultrasound and then, nothing. She kept looking but there was nothing, before she told me I knew. I had lost the baby. There was no little hear beat flickering, no sac, nothing. She said, “I’m sorry April, but I don’t see anything.” I was crushed but I was trying to hold it together. I knew in my mind and in my heart already that I had lost the baby. The nurse practitioner put me in another room and said she was going to go and get my Dr. and have him come in and talk to me. After what seems liked forever, my Dr. finally came in. He walked in and I lost it. I had managed not to cry but when I saw him I lost it. He gave me the option on letting the rest of it to finish naturally or to go in for a D&C. I decided to let it go naturally. He warned me that my cramping would get worse and so would the bleeding. And then it would get really bad, and then it would stop. I left his office and called Dominic. I immediately started crying and told him there was no more baby. All I wanted to do was go home and have him hold me. I had to go to another lab though and do my drug testing for the nursing program. What horrible timing this was. It was the last day I could do it, so I had no choice. I went to the lab and sat there for almost two hours waiting. As I sat there my cramps were getting worse and worse. After that long two hours I was finally headed home. My long hour drive was just as horrible. I was in excruciating pain. I got home and was able to crawl into my bed. While I away Dominic had told the kids the news. Children are so innocent it kills me. Kamden just said, “Why did you baby die.” I knew Ashlyn would be upset so when I got up I went in to talk to her. I asked her how she felt, which of course was sad, and I reassured her that we would have another baby and not to worry. Her response was not what I thought it would be.  She looked at me with her sad big eyes and said, “But mom, what if you’re too old to have a baby?” HA! Kids. I then had to tell the people that we had told about the baby, that we weren’t expecting anymore.

Having a miscarriage was one of the hardest things I have gone through, not only was it emotionally very painful, but also physically. My doctor told me that people I knew would admit to having a miscarriage as well once they knew I had one.  Friends, family, neighbors, people that I never knew had gone through this would open up to me to lend their support. He was right; some people did open up about it. And, unfortunately, I experienced my miscarriage at the same time as another friend, so we were able to talk and experience it together. I think that may be why I have felt compelled to share my story. This is such a taboo subject, that I hope maybe somebody out there may find some comfort in knowing that they are not alone. Hopefully I will never have to go through this again and I now have a greater respect for the women that have gone through multiple miscarriages. I use to work with a lady who had I think ten. She was determined to have a child that she suffered through the physical and emotional pain ten times, and she did end up having a beautiful baby. I don’t know that I would be that strong to endure through it that many times.